Ellis
aka ßetaman
Ellis
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My Writings++
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January 31, 2008 - BIO My father had fought in world war II, and then made me a baby boomer born in 1955. I was eight years old when the beatles were on the ed sullivan show and when president kenndy was shot. I am 52 now. As I look back on my early childhood, I judge that time to be a peak in American civilization. In grade school, I read the world book encyclopedia, to see that we were the world’s major producers of most commodities. I was proud we were selling more wood than any other country. It didn’t occur to me that the money for the wood was being diverted to the fat cats, and that we were cutting all of our trees. My grandfather told me how great was freedom in American. All my grandparents had immigrated to ameria as children before world war I. I was a little kid who believed everything my parents taught me. I believed everything my teachers said. I believed what I read in the newspapers and what I saw on tv. I studied in school, because that’s what they told me to do. My parents seemed proud that I excelled in math, so I practiced a lot. My father didn’t seem to care about sports. We had a catch was I was around 6 or 7. He lobbed a ball to me, it hit me in the eye, and that was the end of that. I ate a standard American diet: dry cereal breakfasts, tuna fish sandwich lunches, frozen vegetables, grapefruit halves, animal entrées, and a couple of pieces of fruit as a snack, but not enough to ruin my appetitive. It never occurred to me that it was all a lie. The government assured me that my new social security number that I got at the age of 13 would never be used for identification. My teachers told me that animals must be part of a balanced diet because there were essential amino acids that were not found in plants. The newspapers told me that we were fighting for freedom in Vietnam. My father told me that he was so successful that he would be able fast track me into being a big earner too. i must admit that I was woefully unprepared for sex: the only exposure being R movies; “everything you wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask”, and playboy. I learned modern morals and values like: marriage is only a sacred institution if it is blessed by the clergy, that people who didn’t properly cloth their body were perverted; that privacy and freedom were gracious gifts from the state that were unnecessary if you weren’t doing anything wrong. I believed that the laws were made to protect all Americans, that police were your friend, and that doctors were really smart people that were indispensable. And of course I believed that any problem could be solved by a pill Well, boy was I wrong. And I thought I was so smart. I didn’t even question my father until I was so sick, I had no choice. I was a daily iv heroin user for 6 years, I became morbidly obese at 300 pounds, and I became crippled for years with sciatica. I had started smoking pot at 16 years of age. I wonder what I should have done instead. No one explained it to me. My father never had a clue, until the day he died. He never helped me to make money, other than paying for college and driving me to work one day. I had bet my life on him, and everything I had learned to believe as a child; until it all just dissipated. Instead of becoming a successful businessman, driving a Mercedes, wearing Armani suits and living in a suburban mansion with two children; instead, I became a bum. I haven’t had a girlfriend since I was thirty. I haven’t worked in years, and am no longer able physically, or competitively to do it again. I don’t have any friends that live within 30 miles of me. I stopped speaking to my family when I started healing. I never forgave them for not helping me when I was crippled. At the time, it seemed reasonable that no one cared to help at all, because, I didn’t deserve it. But when I started to exercise again and lost weigh, the significance was overwhelming. I haven’t gone to a family function, except for 2 funerals, in ten years. In my defense, I would like to point out that I did lose the weight; that I did recover from sciatica; I did go camping for years; that I did give up drugs; and that I did eat only raw foods. I will admit to much slipping, but I did experience epiphanies, and happiness, and love at times. I learned what I had been missing, while wearing blinders racing in American culture. I did what almost no one does. I recovered without the help of doctors at all (except for Harold, and that was after I had already started walking again). However, this does not seem to help me with my social problems, or my self-image, or my repressive resentments. And the journey toward honesty and synchronization seems to be insurmountable.
... this is a work in progress, and i will add more tomorrow
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