Proposed Dietary Legislation

8/24/96 Last Updated; Written: 1989

There oughta be a law...

I'm a pretty liberal guy, but some things really ought to be outlawed. And there ought to be pretty stiff penalties for violators. Like candy, for instance. Here I am struggling with my food obsession, and society allows dealers in chocolate and fried foods to operate out in the open. Out in the open, where even children can be exposed to their filth! I mean like give us a break!

Compulsive overeaters should be given the same considerations as drug addicts. Candy should not be sold on every block, cake should be taken seriously, and processed sugar should be controlled. Fried chicken should be available only with a prescription from your nutritionist. There ought to be a law that prevents the casual sale of chocolate and junk food.

Instead of gobbling donuts, the police should be monitoring the activities of known or suspected pastry runners and butter peddlers. Undercover surveillance operations should be set up in large-people stores, where deals in illicit substances are sure to be going down.

This approach is obviously long overdue. Just look at the increasing number of obese people who can't control themselves. The unhealthful food menace cannot be taken lightly any longer. Those responsible must be made to pay if there is to be any hope of curtailing the spread of compulsive overeating. It is the responsibility of the government to legislate for the general health and welfare of our country. The longer we wait, the worse it will get. When will our elected officials wake up and get something done?

Of course, there will be a lot more people seeking help when these new policies go into effect. We must therefore be prepared with medical services to treat them. For those who can't be accommodated as in-patients, we will need to open Sweet'n'Low maintenance centers.

Federal, state, and city budgets will all have to be increased to provide the courthouses, judges, lawyers, police, jails, social workers, and other personnel and services that the war on fat will demand.

The customs service should be involved in this effort to interdict shipments of such poisons as Swiss chocolate and high-fat French cheese. If necessary, the military should be called in to augment the regular Border Patrol.

It might be necessary to sever diplomatic relations with countries that refuse to cooperate with this program. It won't be easy, but no one ever said it would be.

These might seem like drastic measure, but what else can we do?


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