I am not a professional comedian
I am a volunteer comedian
I did stand up before in nyc
There was this comedian before me
I watched him with the other acts on the tv in the bar
The audience was not laughing at all
Finally they flashed the lights at him as a signal
He noticed it and said he intended to continue
He seemed to be having fun
But they keep on flashing the lights
Finally they turned off the house lights completely
He still refused to get off
So they had to drag him off stage
When he came to the bar with the other comedians
He looked happy and asked,
"how was I?"
I was nervous enough before that

I would like to see if I can't be a good comedian
at this point in my life, age 47
I have to decide what I want to be when I grow up
I narrowed it down to three things
computer programmer, comedian, or hired killer
and so far computer programmer hasn't worked out too well
I don't want to pressure you
But if this doesn't work out
And I have to become a killer
I will need people to practice on
You just can't start out like bruce willis as the jackal
With a half a million dollar gun and a vaudeville chest of disguises
You have to practice and learn before your first big assignment
Which makes me wonder about the suicide bombers
You do you apprentice with
Some failed suicide bombers
What can he teach you
What mistakes not to make
"when you go on your first assignment.
"remember not to.

if you ask a person on the street for a quarter, they give you a dirty look
if you tell them you don't have a tv, they feel sorry for you and offer you a tv
everyone has an old extra tv and they are trying to find a good home for it
it is people at their most compassionate

angela jolie has broken up with her husband
I hear she is going through bad times
I can really help her
but I am not going to pressure her
when she is ready for my help, she'll call

It has been a dream of mine for a long time to lose a hundred pounds
And I am happy to say I am halfway toward my goal
I am finished gaining the weight
I remember when I first looked into the mirror and noticed that I have breasts
At first I was mortified
I tried to rationalize it
No matter how fat and ugly I am
I know that years from now I will be looking back on these days as the good old days
I am thinking
Years from now, how will I look back on today as the good old days
I could just see myself talking to my son,
"oh yeah, I remember when I was your age.
and my breasts were firm."
so my diet is working well
I haven't lost that much weight yet
but I have lost two bra sizes
I like small breasted girls
ones with smaller breasts than me
its been so long since I was with a girl
I was cleaning up my apartment
And found my stash of condoms
My most recent ones expired in 1997
I tried to get more
But they went out of business
See how many people suffer when I don't have sex
I really deserve to have good sex
I mean since I practice so much
I miss girls
Sometimes I just feel my breasts and pretend that I am feeling a girls breasts
I have decided to have a sex change operation
I am going to become a man

you are a really good audience
with a little practice I think you can be great

don't you just hate all these porn companies
i am so pissed off at them
i ordered best of tight
which is supposed to be 18 year old girls
but instead
they sent me best of big butts
now that really pisses me off
if i wanted big butts, i would have asked for big butts
i mean
exactly what kind of pervert do they think i am

if it weren't for pornography
My life would be meaningless

i asked my mother which of these jokes she liked
she suggested that maybe I should sing

I met this beautiful girl
I would kill for her
I would do anything
Except, of course, get a job

My father used to ask me
"How many time do I have to tell you to do something?"
I didn't have the heart to tell him the truth
"Only once dad, I usually know it's a bad idea the first time I hear it"

Older bits

You see the problem is that I used to be a heroin addict. I thought I could take drugs everyday without becoming addicted.

I used to spend a hundred dollars a day on heroin, then I went to a rehab where they charged $1500 a day for no drugs. Is that fair. I mean I had a lot more overhead. At least they had good volleyball games ... between the drug addicts and the psychotics. I could have played on either team. I couldn't decide ... they both sounded so good. The psychotics killed us. They had better drugs.

I look much better now that I'm off drugs. Today Somebody stopped me on the street and asked me for directions. I was so flattered. I said to her, "Wow, you could have asked anybody on this whole street for directions ... but you chose me!" It was too bad she ran away, because I would have given her the best directions she ever got.

My father once commanded me, "Come here! COME HERE!" He said, "Come here! How long does it take for to come?" So I told him the truth ... "10 minutes ... to 2 days." You see, sometimes it can take 2 days if there is someone else there to distract me and I have to wait till they leave

I used to live in LA, and after I lost my home, I met this guy in a parking lot. He said he was collecting money for the homeless people. I said, "Great, I'm homeless! How much money did we get?"

Ever notice how everybody in New Jersey claims that it only takes them ten minutes to get to work in the morning. I mean I live here and it takes me a half hour ... and I work in my living room. Well, I mean I don't work for money. I tried it and didn't like it. I like to be more spontaneous. On the other hand, I never woke up in the morning and said, "Hey, I'd like to goto work today"

Men peak at 17. Women peak at 30. I peaked at 4. The best years of my life started when I became potty trained and ended when I went to Kindergarten. As I walked into school on my first day on Kindergarten I knew the party was over. I knew that I would be going to school everyday for many years until I grew up and then I would be working everyday after that for the rest of my life. Boy was I wrong. I don't like to think of myself as unemployed, I like to think of myself as part of the leisure class.

After I haven't seen someone in a long time they always say two things. "1) Boy you've lost (or gained) weight and 2) Did you get a job?" Like what do they think.

But my parents still want me to get a job. My father said you're 39 years old, why don't you have a job. Now I didn't understand what his problem was. I mean I was 38 and I didn't have a job ... what's the difference? What's the rush?

My father says, "when are you going to get a job?" Like I can predict the future. So I said, "I have an interview lined up for next week. He said, "NO! No! No more interviews. Enough with the interviews! Just get a job!"

The employment agent always says, "When can you start?" I say, "In about two weeks." They say "Two weeks from today?" I say, "No. Two weeks from whenever I get the job. Don't rush me!"

I just came back from a job interview in Boston. I was really nervous. I was scared I was going to get the job. I'm too old for a change of lifestyle. But I was successful. I didn't get the job. All I can say is that I didn't like them either. All they did was complain. They didn't tell me how much they liked my suit. They complained that I brought my cat. How can you work with people that don't love animals. Anyway they would want me to work during the time of the day that I usually devout to shopping. How could I take a job as a computer consultant and give up this career.

I've gone through a career change. I used to be an unemployed computer consultant, now I am an unemployed humor consultant. Actually if I ever got a job as a computer consultant, that would have been a career change.

I went to this tarot card fortune teller and I asked, "When I am going to get a job and what do I have to do to get a date?" And he told me that I was going to be very successful but I was going to have to stop asking other people for advice.

I was walking down a street in New York and heard a pay phone ringing. I answered the phone and a women's voice say, "I want to suck on you." I thought to myself, "Do I really want to start a relationship with someone with such bad grammer?" So I said, "This is a pay phone." She said, "Yes, and I want to suck on you." I said, "Well listen, I am in a rush right now and I don't have time for any of this. Let me give you my phone number and you can call me at home." ... Well to make a long story short, it didn't work out for the two of us. Yeah sure we had the greatest sex. It was the best sex ... all the time. It's just that I wanted something more than that from the relationship, I also wanted to meet her.

My friend told me that I was looking for the wrong kind of girl. He told me to find Spanish speaking girls. He said they are the best at sex anyway. I said okay where do I find these girls. He said, "If I knew that, do you think I would be standing here talking to you?"
I asked him why girls don't like me. He said, "It isn't just girls, I don't like you either."

I get so distracted when I drive sometimes that when I get to a stop sign, I stop and wait for it to change.

Another thing I do that is really stupid is locking 2 locks on the door when I leave the apartment. What do I think that a burglar is going to break the first lock and then give up. "Oh, I didn't know there were two locks, I can't get in here."

Ever notice that sign that says, "Occupancy by more than 80 persons is dangerous and unlawful." Now let me get this straight. 79 persons is safe and lawful ... 1 more person walks ... all of a sudden it becomes dangerous and unlawful. What is this one person doing that really makes it so dangerous. And where is he when we really need him?

Comedy 2003 - unpolished

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